You may have been facing the same situations below. In order to have a better relationship with your kids who are tweens, here are the comments and suggestions from parenting coach – Eileen Pisula to help you understand more both you and your kids.
Q: How do children learn to make better time management?
It is not possible to list everything about time management in one short answer, so I shall talk about the most important ones.
One of the most important things to remember about teaching time management is accountability, and this starts with you. Children are very good observers and learn more from you than anyone else. So, the best place to start is by being organized yourself.
Secondly, help your child understand the benefit of being more organized with his time, and work with him to set a time-table and hold him accountable.
Thirdly, is your child’s time realistically structured or are you constantly rushing him from place to place? Remember, every child needs some quiet time to think, be creative, problem solve, find and get to know himself.
Q: My son is 8 years old, his daily learning schedule is very full, music, sports, intelligence, etc., but I see that other parents are giving their kids even more classes or activities. How much is enough and how much is too much?
With children it is never a one size fits all. You are the best expert for your child and should look to yourself to find what works best for both your child and your family.
Having said that, it will be prudent to remember that it is not the quantity of classes a child attends but the quality of learning that is taking place within the child.
In addition, as in my previous answer, I cannot emphasize enough the need for a child to have time to himself.
Q: My kids really lazy! Her toys are all over the house and she refuses to clean up, I asked her to do housework and she ignores me, how can I do?
I do not know the age of the child in question, so I am going to answer this question in a more generalized manner.
A child who has not been encouraged to pick up after herself from an early age will not see the need for it just because she has grown older, and you expect her to “know better.” Being organized and neat is often something which a child learns from parents who engage her understanding that she is as responsible for her environment regardless of whether she created the mess or not. Some parents give a child the impression that when she helps out she is doing them a favor. It is important for her to understand that she is a contributing member of your family, and that everything she does impacts everyone, herself included.
With her homework as with house work, start by doing it with her instead of standing by, sitting and watching the TV while you are asking her to do the clean up or do her homework.
Research has proven that children who have parents who sit with them while they do their work are more motivated and successful.
Q: My daughter is very lively when she was small, and was very willing to greet people. But now she grows up to become shy. Is there any way to get rid of her shyness?
Shyness can be an inborn trait, and is not necessarily a disadvantage. There are not many people who can jump straight into a conversation; most of us prefer to stand back and observe for a while before joining in.
Again, I do not know the age of the child mentioned, so I am not able to say if this is natural stage of growing up but I would like to say that the most important thing to remember is not to push her or focus and attention to her “shyness.”
Q: If there is a conflict between parents and children, I understand that I should calm down and have a “time out”. But sometimes parents calm down, but the child so becomes more agitated and aggressive, how to deal with this situation?
When a person gets angry, he is locked into his primitive brain and his thinking brain is no longer in charge. This result in the brain being flooded with hormones which can take hours, and for some people, days to subside. A grown-up brain is more capable of reasoning and able to stop the cycle, but a child does not have the same control yet.
As such, it is best not to engage in the first place, but once you have engaged your child in a shouting match, it is really unrealistic to expect them to disengage when you chose to. A better thing to do would be to start from a place of calm and prevent the situation from accelerating right from the beginning.
For a child who is allowed to get angry all the time, anger becomes their only tool to handle situations which do not go their way. It is better, therefore, to lead your child towards problem-solving than to butt heads with him.
Q: My child makes mistake and is not repentant, what can I do?
The word repentant is very strong word. I assume you mean she does not realize that she has made a mistake. Depending on her age, after the incident and everyone is calm, talk to her about the impact of her actions, ask her about the consequences of her action on herself and others and discuss with her a better way to work around the situation.
Q: My daughter started middle school this year, one day she comes back and tells me she’s got a boyfriend, I’m shocked and scared. Should I forbid them? can I meet the boy? How to guide your child at this age to make a healthy and safe relationship?
Today’s children become more aware of their sexuality earlier than their brains mature which makes it a little scary and worrisome for parents.
Parents often use the word “forbid,” my question is, can we really forbid another person? Or do we just make them more determined?
The fact that your daughter has opened up to you about her boyfriend tells me that you are in a good place as a parent.
It would be prudent to talk to your child openly about what the word boyfriend means to her, and lead her to come to her own realization of what is “safe and healthy.” Let her know your concerns without melodrama, and let her know that when she is ready, you would like to say “hello” to the boy.
Do not over react. It is better for everyone, especially your daughter that you are someone she can come and talk to rather than someone she see as an obstacle and an enemy. Be open and available, but do not pry.
Be thankful that your daughter is honest with you; relax and try to enjoy being a part of your daughter’s journey into adulthood.
You have your questions which are different from the above? Please join us this Sunday to have a personal Q&A section with Eileen.